Be the best stalker you can be

December 13, 2011 by Christoff Truter Comedy  

I recently retired from an illustrious career in stalking and decided today that I need to pass down my incredible knowledge to aspiring stalkers.

I know it's a bit of a cliché but you're never too young or old to become a stalker.

The following list contains some crucial information you need to know if you want an impeccable career like I had.

  1. Stalkers Anthem

    The first thing that you need to know as stalker is of course the stalkers anthem, but what is the importance of an anthem?

    Well, think about the scene in Rocky 1 where Sylvester Stallone runs up the stairs with eye of the tiger playing in the background, its all about being inspired, being proud of who you are and what you're about to do.

    So every day before you go out to stalk your stalkee, remember to play the stalkers anthem "Every Breath You Take", thank you Sting - You're an inspiration to all of us!

    Every breath you take
    Every move you make
    Every bond you break
    Every step you take
    I'll be watching you

    Every single day
    Every word you say
    Every game you play
    Every night you stay
    I'll be watching you

    Oh can't you see
    You belong to me
    How my poor heart aches
    With every step you take

  2. Build a shrine

    Building a shrine in honour of your stalkee is quite important, I am sure you're familiar with the phrase "keep your eyes on the prize" - at the end of the day that's what its all about.

    One crucial component to your shrine is of course the use of photos, you need to have as many photos as humanly possible of your stalkee, it would also be highly advisable to pin these photos against a wall, preferably a wall that's not too visible to everyone, e.g. inside a cupboard wall - because you don't want anyone to think you're creepy or anything.

    Also avoid the use of candles in your shrine, you're a stalker not a serial killer! (you also don't want to burn down your cupboard in the process)

  3. Equipment

    Ever wonder what bird watching equipment is really for?

    No stalker can truly be successful without a good pair of binoculars, get yourself the strongest pair money can buy, acquire a really big telescope if that's not good enough. (bird watching is a good cover story though)

    Night vision is also a must have, your stalkee must go to bed eventually like everyone else?

    Also get yourself a strong listening device and become skilled at lock picking in order to plant audio surveillance equipment in their phones, cars etc.

    While on the subject of breaking an entering, why not hide a few high resolution cameras in some discreet areas of their habitat and remember to leave a red rose on their pillow every night before they go to bed.

  4. Social Networking

    The advent of social networking really made stalking a lot easier, Facebook, Google plus, twitter just to name a few.

    I found that twitter is only second to Google plus when it comes to being stalker friendly, while Facebook makes it a little bit harder, but with some creative swindling it might become your most powerful stalking ally.

    Now the key to using social networking as a stalking tool is of course the use of aliases, you will most definitely need to create multiple aliases - doing so will make it less suspicious.

    You might ask me how many aliases do you need to be effective, is there some kind of formula I can use?

    Well, I found after doing years of research that there is in fact a relation between your followers on twitter, Facebook and Google plus and the number of aliases you need, simply multiply by two.

  5. Clothing

    Avoid wearing clothing that would draw too much attention to yourself; as stalker you must be stealth minded towards everything wardrobe related.

    Night times you're ordinarily going to spend most of your time in obscurity up in trees and behind bushes, so make sure that you've got a lot of black clothing in your cupboard (also useful for hiding your shrine).

  6. Join the CIA

    Chances are fairly good that your stalkee will be surrounded by friends, family, a spouse or someone, now in the event of them noticing you, you might need to defend yourself physically (or legally).

    So I would definitely recommended that you go for self-defence classes, a quick solution would be to simply join the CIA - you'll get all the training you need to be an effective stalker plus a good cover story. You would also save a lot of money on equipment etc.

  7. Scheduling

    If you've been paying attention you will realise that stalking is a rather expensive, time consuming endeavour.

    You might ask, where will I find the time and money to do all of this? (unless you've already managed to join the CIA)

    Well, with your initial investment of time and money you will be able to gather an immense amount of invaluable information about the comings and goings of your stalkee.

    Remember that your life is nothing more than an extension of the person you're stalking and you wont ever be complete if you cant smell their hair, so you need to schedule and mould your whole life around this person.

    Ideally you must pursue the same career or work in the same office building as your stalkee, doing so will greatly simplify everything.

  8. Golden rules

    1. Never make eye contact
    2. Maintain your distance
    3. Know the law (what is a restraining order?)
    4. Never befriend your stalkee

Remember boys and girls, no is only a few letters away from yes.

Happy stalking!

Leave a Comment

shrine free August 15, 2015 by stalkerella

Why not befriend the stalkee?

Classic January 13, 2015 by Nicolette

What more can I say?

    Latest Posts

    Paris Terror Attacks

    November 14, 2015

    Personal Movie Database Part 1 - Overview (JQuery Mobile AngularJS)

    November 10, 2015

    JavaScript Tip - Checking for undefined

    April 9, 2015

    Simple JavaScript Shop - Back to the future : Part 1

    March 20, 2015

    Getting my hands dirty with TypeScript

    February 17, 2015

    Quick and dirty look at TypeScript

    January 29, 2015

    My personal life in review

    January 21, 2015

    Quick rundown of possible new C# 6.0 features (perhaps, maybe - I think)

    January 19, 2015

    Proof of Concept - JavaScript Mediator Framework

    January 13, 2015

    JavaScript Tip - Benchmarking

    January 7, 2015

    Most Commented on Posts

    Moving items between listboxes in example

    Move items between two listboxes in, VB.NET) and PHP
    June 12, 2008

    Simple WYSIWYG Editor

    Creating a WYSIWYG textbox for your website is actually quite simple.
    February 1, 2007

    C# YouTube : Google API

    Post on how to integrate with YouTube using the Google Data API
    March 12, 2011

    Populate a TreeView Control C#

    Populate a TreeView control in a windows application.
    August 27, 2009

    Cross Browser Issues: Firefox Word Wrapping

    Firefox word wrapping issues
    June 9, 2008

    Angular   ASP.NET   Astronomy   Breaking News   C#   C++   Coding Horrors   Comedy   Cross Browser   Design Patterns   Google API   IIS   Integration   JavaScript   Jquery Mobile   Love and War   Microsoft Office   Personal   PHP   South Africa   SQL   Threading   TypeScript   Visual Basic   XML